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Now, THAT's Funny!
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CAT LAWS
Law of Cat Inertia
A cat at rest will tend to remain at rest, unless acted upon by some outside
force - such as the opening of cat food, or a nearby scurrying mouse.
Law of Cat Motion
A cat will move in a straight line, unless there is a really good reason to
change direction.
Law of Cat Magnetism
All blue blazers and black sweaters attract cat hair in direct proportion
to the darkness of the fabric.
Law of Cat Thermodynamics
Heat flows from a warmer to a cooler body, except in the case of a cat, in
which case all heat flows to the cat.
Law of Cat Stretching
A cat will stretch to a distance proportional to the length of the nap just taken.
Law of Cat Sleeping
All cats must sleep with people whenever possible, in a position as
uncomfortable for the people involved, and as comfortable as possible for the cat.
Law of Cat Elongation
A cat can make her body long enough to reach just about any counter top
that has anything remotely interesting on it.
Law of Cat Obstruction
A cat must lay on the floor in such a position to obstruct the maximum
amount of human foot traffic.
Law of Cat Acceleration
A cat will accelerate at a constant rate, until he gets good and ready to stop.
Law of Dinner Table Attendance
Cats must attend all meals when anything good is served.
Law of Rug Configuration
No rug may remain in its naturally flat state for very long.
Law of Obedience Resistance
A cat's resistance varies in proportion to a human's desire for her to do something.
First Law of Energy Conservation
Cats know that energy can neither be created nor destroyed and will,
therefore, use as little energy as possible.
Second Law of Energy Conservation
Cats also know that energy can only be stored by a lot of napping.
Law of Refrigerator Observation
If a cat watches a refrigerator long enough, someone will come along and
take out something good to eat.
Law of Electric Blanket Attraction
Turn on an electric blanket and a cat will jump into bed at the speed of light.
Law of Random Comfort Seeking
A cat will always seek, and usually take over, the most comfortable spot
in any given room.
Law of Bag/Box Occupancy
All bags and boxes in a given room must contain a cat within the earliest possible
nanosecond.
Law of Cat Embarrassment
A cat's irritation rises in direct proportion to her embarrassment times the
amount of human laughter.
Law of Milk Consumption
A cat will drink his weight in milk, squared, just to show you he can.
Law of Furniture Replacement
A cat's desire to scratch furniture is directly proportional to the cost of the furniture.
Law of Cat Landing
A cat will always land in the softest place possible; often the mid- section
of an unsuspecting, reclining human.
Law of Fluid Displacement
A cat immersed in milk will displace her own volume, minus the amount
of milk consumed.
Law of Cat Disinterest
A cat's interest level will vary in inverse proportion to the amount of effort a human
expends in trying to interest him.
Law of Pill Rejection
Any pill given to a cat has the potential energy to reach escape velocity.
Law of Cat Composition
A cat is composed of Matter + Anti-Matter + It Doesn't Matter
Printed with permission by the artist
Bizzaro
Dwight Nelson recently told a true story about the pastor of his church. He had a kitten that climbed up a tree in his backyard and then was afraid to come down. The pastor coaxed, offered warm milk, etc., but the kitty would not come down. The tree was not sturdy enough to climb, so the pastor decided that if he tied a rope to his car and pulled it until the tree bent down, he could then reach up and get the kitten.
And that's what he did, all the while checking his progress in the car. He then figured if he went just a little bit further, the tree would be bent sufficiently for him to reach the kitten.
Unfortunately, as he moved the car a little further forward, the rope broke. The tree went "Boing!" and the kitten instantly sailed through the air and out of sight!
The pastor felt terrible! He walked all over the neighborhood asking people if they'd seen a little kitten. Nobody had spotted the poor little guy, so the pastor prayed, "Lord, I just commit this kitten to your keeping," and went on about his business.
A few days later he was at the grocery store, and met one of his church members. He happened to look into her shopping cart and was amazed to see cat food. The woman was a cat hater and everyone knew it, so he asked her, "Why are you buying cat food when you hate cats so much?"
The woman replied, "You won't believe this," and then told him how her little girl had been begging her for a cat, but she kept refusing. Then a few days before, the child had begged again, so the woman finally told her, "Well, if God gives you a cat, I'll let you keep it."
She told the pastor, "I watched my child go out in the yard, get down on her knees, and ask God for a cat. And really, Pastor, you won't believe this, but I saw it with my own eyes. A kitten suddenly came flying out of the blue sky, with its paws outspread, and landed right in front of her!
The Lion King woke up one morning feeling absolutely full of himself.
He strutted off into the forest, stopping everyone he saw.
To the Zebra he demanded, "Who is King of this Jungle?" and
the Zebra replied, "Oh you are, great and powerful Lion."
He stopped the Giraffe next and said, "Listen, You long drink-of-water,
I demand that you tell me - Who is King of this Jungle?"
"Of course, it is you Sire", the Giraffe answered demurely.
Then he bombarded the Gorilla, the Wildebeest and the Tiger
with the same question - and he got all the same answers.
At last he thundered up to the Elephant and said,
"See here Dumbo - Who is King of this Jungle?"
The Elephant let out a loud snort. Then he grabbed the
Lion around the middle with his trunk and he ran down a
whole row of tall trees, banging the Lion's head against every tree.
When he finished with that game, he tossed the Lion in the air a
few times, almost letting him crash before catching him again
and tossing him back into the air. Then the Elephant bashed
the Lion on the ground a few dozen times and finally he
hurled the screaming Lion into the middle of the river.
As the Lion slowly swam toward shore and finally reached the river bank
, he pulled himself onto dry land, shook his head,
turned in the direction of the departing Elephant and said
with what dignity he could still muster - "Just because you don't
know the answer, you don't have to be so mean about it!"
Used with Permission by the artist
Mark Parisi
Memo -
TO: GOD:
FROM: DOG
Dear God: When we get to heaven, can we sit on your couch?
Or is it still the same old story?
Dear God: Why are there cars named after the jaguar,
the cougar, the mustang, the colt, the stingray, and the rabbit,
but not ONE named for a dog? How often do you see a cougar
riding around? We do love a nice ride! Would it be so hard to
rename the "Chrysler Eagle" the " Chrysler Beagle"?
Dear God: If a dog barks his head off in the forest
and no human hears him, is he still a bad dog?
Dear God: We dogs can understand human verbal instructions,
hand signals, whistles, horns, clickers, beepers, scent ID's,
electromagnetic energy fields, and Frisbee flight paths.
What do humans understand?
Dear God: More meatballs, less spaghetti, please.
Dear God: Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are,
will I have to apologize?
Dear God: When I get to Heaven will I get my manhood -
or doghood - (well, You know what I mean) - back?
Please God - Speak! Amen
A man saw a sign in front of a house: “Talking Dog for Sale.” He rings
the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard…
The man goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just
sitting there. “You talk?” he asks. “Sure do.” the dog replies.
“Oh My Gosh!! So, what’s your story?” replies the man.
The dog looks up and says, “Well, I discovered my gift
of talking pretty young and I wanted to help the government,
so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me
jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies
and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be
eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years
running. “The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn’t
getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a
job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly
wandering near suspicious characters and listening in.
I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded
a batch of medals.” “Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and
now I’m just retired.” The man is amazed. He goes back
in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
The owner says, “Ten dollars.” The man says, “This dog is amazing.
Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?”
“Cause he’s a liar. He didn’t do any of that stuff.”
In the heyday of the Roman Empire, Christians were often
thrown to the lions as entertainment for the Roman Emperor
and his family and guests. One day the spectators watched
in amazement as a lion fiercely attacked a Christian.
Even under the intensity of the lion's attack, the Christian
managed to whisper something deep into the lion's ear that made
him release his captive at once and run away roaring in pain.
Lion after lion was sent in to devour the same
Christian and each time, the same thing happened. Furious,
the Emperor sent his Centurion down to the floor of the
Colosseum to see what in the world that Christian was saying
to his mighty lions that made them so afraid. After a while,
the Centurion returned to report to his Emperor. "What the
Christian is saying, Mighty Emperor, will astound you."
"Address my subjects at the same time you address me,"
the Emperor said, pointing toward the waiting crowd.
"Tell us all, what is that Christian saying that so
terrifies the lions?" Mustering all of his courage, the Centurion
turned toward the anxious crowd and said, "The Christian
is telling each mighty lion that although he hasn't yet been told,
after dinner he will be asked to say a few words to the crowd."
It is reported that the following portion of the Book of Genesis
was discovered among the Dead Sea Scrolls. If authentic,
it would shed light on the question of where pets come from.
And Adam said, "Lord, when I was in the garden, you walked
with me every day. Now I do not see you any more. I am lonesome
here and it is difficult for me to remember how much you love me."
And God said, "No problem! I will create a companion for you
that will be with you always and be a reflection of my love for you,
so that you will know I love you, even when you cannot see me.
Regardless of how selfish and childish and unlovable you may be,
this new companion will accept you as you are and will love
you as I do, in spite of yourself." And God created a new animal
to be a companion for Adam. And it was a good animal.
And God was pleased. And the new animal was pleased to be
with Adam and it wagged its tail. And Adam said,
"But, Lord, I have already named all the animals in the
Kingdom, and all the good names are taken, and I cannot
think of a name for this new animal." And God said, "No problem!
Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection
of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name,
and you will call him DOG." And Dog lived with Adam and
was a companion to him and loved him. And Adam was comforted.
And God was pleased. And Dog was content and wagged its tail.
After a time, it came to pass that Adam's guardian angel came
to God and said, "Lord, Adam has become filled with pride.
He struts and preens like a peacock, and he believes he is worthy
of adoration. Dog has indeed taught him that he is loved,
but no one has taught him humility." And God said,
"No problem! I will create for him a companion who will be
with him always and who will see him as he is. The companion will
remind him of his limitations, so he will know that he is not
worthy of adoration." And God created CAT to be a companion to
Adam. And Cat would not obey Adam. And when Adam gazed into
Cat's eyes, he was reminded that he was not the supreme being.
And Adam learned humility. And God was pleased.
And Adam was greatly improved. And Cat did not care
one way or the other.
A policeman was directing traffic at a busy intersection when
he saw a convertible drive by with a dozen penguins in
the back seat. He notified a nearby policeman in a cruiser,
who stopped the car a little way down the road. "You can't drive
those penguins around town like that," the officer told the the driver.
"I want you to take them to the zoo immediately." The driver
agreed and drove off, headed in the direction of the zoo. The next
day, the same policeman was directing traffic at the same
intersection when the same convertible went by. It still had a
dozen penguins in the back seat, but this time they were
wearing sunglasses. Again he notified his fellow officer, who
chased down the convertible again. "I thought I told you yesterday
to take those penguins to the zoo!" the policeman said angrily.
"I did take them to the zoo, officer," the driver replied, "and they had
such a good time, today I thought I would take them to the beach."
A man went to his doctor and said he wasn't feeling well. The doctor gave him a thorough examination and told him that he was actually very physically fit. In fact, there was so obviously nothing wrong with the man that the doctor said that his visit that day would be free. "I just don't believe you, doctor", the patient said. "I think you should run some tests." "All right", the doctor said. "You just lie down and relax and I'll be back in a little while." After a short time, the door to the examining room opened and a large Labrador Retriever entered the room. She walked all around the man, licked his face and hands, nuzzled his cheek and raised her head up so that he could scratch her ears. Then she quietly left the room. A few minutes later, a large tom cat came into the examining room, jumped up on the table with the patient and climbed all over his body - arms, legs, torso, neck, head and face - and then he also left the room. In about 10 minutes, the doctor returned. "Just as I expected," the doctor said, "you are perfectly fine. That will be $200 please." "$200!" the patient cried, "I thought you said this visit was free!" "It was, sir", the Doctor replied, "but that was before the Lab tests and the Cat scan!" Tom and Dick stood on a high bluff, on a gloriously clear day, admiring the scenery below them, when a herd of buffalo came charging across the range. Suddenly the lead buffalo came to an abrupt stop. The herd slowed, watching their leader intently. "Why do you suppose he stopped?" Tom asked Dick. "Well," said Dick speculatively, "the lead buffalo earns his right to lead based on his exceptionally good hearing. Although it seldom happens out here on the range, I suspect that he might have just heard a discouraging word." 
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